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Fears & Goals

This year, it might finally happen. My dream of traveling the world, exploring Europe, and blending in and out of cultures. The nagging tug in my chest is pulling tighter everyday as the uncertainty and foolishness of what I am about to embark on becomes more evident.

My plan is this: To apply for a Masters Degree in the UK. If that falls through, plan B is to follow my partner to Germany and study there instead. If that still doesn’t work, I will travel around the Philippines or Europe.

I am scared. To. The. Damn. Core.

Whichever plan comes true, all of it means one thing: I have to quit my job. The only shred of stability and security in my life. My awesome job pays my bills and escapades and allows me to grow as an environmentalist. I love my job, I do, which is why I am still here at my office desk musing my future.

There came a point last year when the monotony got to my nerves. The daily grind annoyed me to the brink of madness and I wanted out. I found myself wandering new shores and cities. Japan taught me that the past does not define my present and future. Zambales made me believe in light and magic once more. Thailand rekindled my faith in love and in new beginnings. Davao made me comfortable with silence and helped me with being present. Traveling became my sweet solitude which allowed me to push through. 

My travels brought so much healing and hope in my life. I feel like I am ready for a new adventure. I know in my heart that it is time to move. To a new job, a new country, a new life. Have you ever felt this way? That everything you have ever dreamt of is coming together right before your eyes and all you need is to say yes? I don’t know, I am scared of halting my career to go back to school or to travel. But I will probably just jump the gun when the time comes. Soon.

I will always be an environmentalist and feminist and I will carry that with me wherever I go. I just hope I can make a living doing exactly that when I venture out on my own.

Will it be worth it?

In reality, I will never really know until I finally book that one-way ticket and leave. Until then, I will sit with this anxiety and fear and get to know it better. I am scared shitless but also excited. My gut is telling me to go for it.

2 thoughts on “Fears & Goals”

  1. Yes Dee, it is scary and uncomfortable as hell. But the anxiety is always at its peak up until that millisecond you say “yes”. It will be difficult, it would hurt, it would suck but mostly, it would be worth it. Good luck and I can’t wait for what’s next for you!

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